Being in a relationship tends to bring out our best and worst traits. In the beginning, you saw your generosity and playfulness blossom in a relationship. It used to be so easy to feel alive and connected but now you find yourself with more critical thoughts that can’t be ignored. You notice things about your partner that worry you. Your own mind may wander into questions that feel too dangerous to ask.
How do I get my partner to finally hear me? What if this isn’t the person for me? What if my partner is crossing boundaries and breaking our unspoken rules? What if I think about breaking the rules? We’ve spent so long together, Can I start all over or should I stick it out?
You can find yourself being the person that you never dreamed you could be and it’s also possible that you discover the person you never wanted to be.
Couples come to therapy with me for a few reasons:
Sometimes there’s been a rupture. A break in the trust. Something has been discovered and it can no longer be ignored. You need a place to unpack what has happened and you may wonder if it’s even possible to make this work anymore. It feels like a Last Chance. One partner may want to look away and move on from the problem while the other simply cannot and will not. One may feel distrustful while the other just wants to get back to normal life.
Sometimes it’s a lack of intrigue and fire.
In the beginning, there was a wealth of passion and excitement. You had all the curiosity in the world about your new partner and them about you.
You spent so much time developing intimacy, closeness, and comfort with your partner but now you wonder: Where is the passion? Where are the spontaneous sexual and romantic experiences that were so abundant in the beginning? Why is sex so monotonous now? Are we mismatched? Do I even want a relationship that looks like this and am I scared to tell my partner what I would rather it look like?
Sometimes it’s that everything is actually going well and you want to keep it that way.
Maybe your relationship is feeling healthy and fulfilling. You generally like where you’re at together and want to keep it that way. You’re self-aware about the differences in which you and your partner handle conflict. You respect each other’s style, and yet you want a place to check in and tune up your relationship. Maybe you’re planning on taking a leap in your life together and need someone to help bring underlying issues to the surface.
I work with many different constellations of relationships: Traditional couples, poly relationships and LGBT relationships.